Confessions of a Quidditch player
by crooked-soul
Summary: Sirius has a secret and James is oblivious and in denial, tad of angst but ends up fluffy Warnings: slash SBJP, rating for language


**Not JKR shockingly enough  
Warnings:Slash, language  
For Alex who has now made me a definite supporter of JamesSirius**

Confessions of A Quidditch Player

The air whipped through my hair, exhilarating me, I could taste the freedom and the adrenaline on my tongue and wanted more. I could just about hear James barking commands to the team over the the noise of the wind but I carried on just passing the ball with Rowlands, weaving between my team-mates as I made my way swiftly towards Meadowes, our keeper. I felt completely at home her on the quidditch pitch with nothing but the movement of my broom and game tactics filling my head, everything else was simply drowned out.

I scored as always though the other house teams' chasers rarely managed to get anything past Dorcas, she was far too good for that. Our whole team in fact was undeniably the best, especially with James as captain, his enthusiasm was infectious and he always knew how to push the team to do better instead of getting complacent.

I heard yell again and everyone started to descend back to the ground and make their way to the changing rooms, I followed, landing beside James as gracefully as ever.

"Great practice mate" he said, grinning at me and I couldn't help but grin foolishly back, its like I said, his whole manner is just infectious.

"Yeah it was, we're well on our way to winning the cup I reckon. You make a good captain."

"Really? You think so?" he asked still smiling though I detected a small level of nervousness

"Course you idiot," I affirmed making him laugh

"It's bloody nerve wracking to tell you the truth, I keep thinking I'm going to mess it up somehow"

"Nah, you won't, though if any of us mess it up, we'll be sure to blame it on you" I teased prompting him to grin that grin at me again and punch me lightly on the shoulder, I punched him back and as was inevitable, a small tussle ensued that resulted in him having me pinned to the ground, his face inches from mine.

"Do you give up?" he asked with a smug smile as if daring me to say no but at that moment I had other things on my mind, I should perhaps confess now that I'm ever so slightly head over heels for my best friend and have been for quite a while, thus having him on top of me was a bit damaging to my coherency of thought.

"Uh, yeah, I give up" I said forcing a slight chuckle whilst tipping him off of me as soon as I felt his grip slacken, "I'll get you next time though but for now we better be going or we'll be late for dinner" I reached out to help pull him up from the ground ignoring the voice that teased me for just wanting an excuse to hold his hand for a few brief moments.

Later on in the common room when I had recovered slightly from my brief lapse of control earlier, I was sat in a comfy chair by the fire with Remus, trying to get some homework done though in actuality all I was really doing was waiting for James and making absentminded doodles in the corner of my parchment. Remus eyed me huffily a couple times for not getting on with my essay but I barely noticed, so wrapped up was I in my thoughts that consisted largely of, (yeah you guessed it), one devilishly handsome quidditch captain called James.

When I saw him coming in through the portrait door I almost jumped and ran over to him to demand attention like the excitable puppy I was with the innocent looking eyes always hiding the nefarious plans tucked away for pranking Slytherins and in fact the rest of the school too. However after making a small movement I immediately dropped back down again in my seat, he had a girl with him, a gorgeous looking brunette, he didn't even glance my way as he moved her gently to one of the sofa's, his arm wrapped firmly around her waist.

A felt a small drop in my stomach, I knew that I should be used to it by now, James got with girls as often as any other hot-blooded male, even I had more flings with girls than I could count but he rarely actually brought them back to the common room where I could see it all. _Oh Merlin, now they're kissing, _my stomach was definitely protesting now, in fact every bit of me was protesting, what made it worse was that I had been even more jittery about James today than usual since quidditch practice when I'd actually had him on top of me. Now here he was lip-locked with some random girl, unintentionally throwing it in my face just how very unattainable and straight he is, I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and averted my gaze, hoping to just try and ignore it, but the burning feeling of jealousy that was spreading through me was a little hard to ignore.

My gaze was drawn involuntarily back to the two of them kissing, they weren't even very far away, I could actually hear them and _bugger but I think I just heard James moan, shit I completely have to get out of here now. _Despite this declaration though I'm rooted to the spot, I hardly care if I look like I'm gawking, its just, James _really _looks like he knows what he's doing, but the girl just doesn't. I feel like storming over there, throwing her to the other side of the common room, and _then _show her how its done, how James Potter _deserves _to be kissed, although if I attempted that James would probably hex me into oblivion before I even got to the last part.

_Fuck, now his hands creeping up her thigh, dammit I can't take this much longer,_I get up suddenly from my chair, my non-existent essay falling to the floor, Remus looks at me a bit uncertainly but decides not to pass comment luckily. Now that I've stood up though, I'm not entirely sure what to do, I can't go pull the girl off or yell at them or something because I'd look like a complete twat, but I don't really want to just meekly retire to the dormitory either.

In the end I settled for a sort of mixture of both, I detoured slightly so that I would pass them as I headed to our room, as soon as I was close enough I leaned in slightly to James who finally seemed to have remembered my existence and pulled back slightly from the protesting girl.

"Go chew each others faces off somewhere else Potter, its disgusting" I hissed, noting the startled look James gave me before I continued on past them, keeping my frame tense so as not betray the quivering feeling that had now lodged itself in my stomach, until I could finally flop on my bed and groan my wretchedness into my pillow alone. I didn't know what I was more scared of, that he would hate me or that he wouldn't care at all, I pulled my pillow from under me and held it over my head, feeling a sudden urge to hide from the world though I knew this particular method was, amazingly, completely ineffective.

My solitude didn't last long however, "Padfoot?" _Crap, James! Hide, have to hide! _Trying not to make to much movement I pulled my duvet over me, my pillow still over my head, and tried very hard to think _small, invisible _thoughts in the hopes that it would make me, well..small and invisible. It didn't work obviously as in the next minute I felt a weight settle on the edge of my bed and a hand shaking my shoulder, "Padfoot, what on earth was that about?" he asked

"_Nphm, juf ha bar day"_ I mumbled into my bed-covers

"Sorry Pads, didn't quite catch that" he said with a quip of amusement in his voice, I emerged from my cocoon slightly and glared at him half-heartedly

"I said, it was nothing, I've just had a bad day is all, you can go back to the leggy brunette now"

"Nah, she's long gone mate, now whats the problem because I know for a fact you haven't had a bad day"

"I just didn't particularly appreciate having to watch you two sticking your tongues down each others throats" I grouched

"Well to be fair, you didn't actually have to watch mate" he joked

"It was pretty damn hard to miss you twat, are there going to be matinee and evening performances every week?" I knew I was being snappy but I didn't care, let him feel some of the pain I have to go through every time I see him with someone else.

"What the hell is wrong with you, pms?"

"Oh fuck off James"

"No I won't actually you wanker, because _I _am a bloody good friend so I'm going to find out whatever the hells got your knickers in a twist and fix it" he glared at me as if to impress his determination on me, I glared back, gettin more and more pissed off.

"You can't fix everything James, and I don't really want to see you at the moment so the best thing you could do is to leave me the fuck alone"

"Why? For Merlin's sake, I've not done anything!"

"You were all over some girl, it was sickening,"

"What's that got to do with anything, that can't be the only reason you're being so bloody mardy with me"

"Actually yes" I huffed, refusing to meet his gaze,

"Well why the hell do you care if I kiss some girl anyway?" he demanded suddenly, now having gotten angry enough to shout it in my face.

_Sirius Black, NOW is the moment to just Shut Up!_

"Because I fucking love you!" _Shit, you never listen do you, now look what you've done._

_Oh bugger off, stupid voices, can't be normal._

I watched apprehensively as James' eyes widened, shock and disbelief registering on his face as the words lingered in the air.

"You mean platonically right? Like a brother?" he implored, the fear in his voice making me cringe slightly.

_Oh, fuck it, in for a penny, in for a pound and all that._

"No James, I don't mean it platonically, I mean it in the head over heels, would be quite happy to snog you senseless, has a tendency to jealous possessiveness way." I sighed, there really was no going back now but part of me was just relieved to finally have it out there, it was up to James now to do whatever he wanted with the knowledge that I loved him. At the moment though he still seemed to be in shock so I quickly wriggled out of my bed and left the dormitory quietly, barely hearing the whispered "Sirius" as I closed the door that made my heart contract slightly. I carried on anyway letting my feet take me goodness knows where to break down privately.

-

Over the next few days I did my level best to avoid James, spending more time with Peter as Remus spent more and more time with James. Part of me feared a permanent split that would ultimately devastate the Marauders and would quite obviously be entirely my fault, well mostly anyway, after all James seemed equally keen, if not more so, to avoid _me_. Another part of my mind however stubbornly maintained that it could all be sorted out if only I could swallow my pride and go and talk to him, I often quickly shut this particular voice up, especially because it sounded suspiciously like Remus.

Unfortunately though it kept nagging away at me at the back of my mind, making me increasingly irritable, I actually managed to make a second year cry when is snapped at them for being in my chair in the common room one night, even the girls had backed off. On top of that I started finding it hard to sleep, I would stare at the ceiling till the small hours of the morning, just listening to James' low steady breaths as he dreamt. I was missing him fiercely, he was my best friend, I was used to being able to share everything with him, _though this was one thing I don't think he appreciated me sharing_ I thought wryly. I couldn't believe that I hadn't just shut up when I should have, if I could just get him to forget I ever said anything, if we could go back to being friends like before, it would be more than enough for me.

After more than a week had passed Remus came and found me in the library to try and talk some sense into me, none of us had ever gone so long ignoring each other the way that me and James were, it was unnatural.

"Sirius" he sighed as he sank into the chair opposite me, "What is this about? James won't tell me but something must be really wrong for you two to be acting like this. Just tell me, please? I could help, I mean if its actually got you retreating to the _library _of all places I'm pretty sure I've got cause for concern" he joked

"You can't help Moony" I mumbled in the direction of my transfiguration textbook, refusing to meet his eye, "I..I told James something he couldn't handle, something I probably shouldn't have told him at all" I laughed bitterly

"You told him you love him?" my head snapped up, my eyes searching his and finding only patient understanding and concern.

"I thought you said James hadn't told you"

"He didn't but I'm intuitive enough to have realised that you've been in love with James for quite some time and its the only thing I can think of that you might have said to cause this sudden silence between the two of you" he explained

"Oh, looks like you've got it all figured out then, am I that transparent?"

"Only to those who know you best and don't worry, it'll stay between the four of us"

"Right" I said, my gaze drifting back to my book though I was damned if I could figure out a single word of what it was saying, "Moony?" I said after a few seconds

"Yes Padfoot?"

"What should I do?" Remus smiled,

"You should talk to him"

"Damn, I knew you were going to say that" I grumbled

"Well then why ask?" he teased

"Oh, shut it"

"Anything you say Pads, anything you say" he joked as he got up from his seat, "but you should talk to him and for what its worth I think you might have a shot. Either way though, you shouldn't lose your friendship over this." With that he was gone and I was left sitting in the library for the rest of the afternoon ignoring my homework in favour of mulling over everything Remus had said.

Later that night I was sat in the now empty common room waiting for James to get back from posting a letter to his parents, Remus had tipped me off that now might be a good time to get hold of him. I was staring at the slowly dying fire whilst going over and over in my head what I planned on saying when I heard the portrait door open and close behind me. My head spun round and I immediately jumped off my seat as my eyes met James'.

"James"

"Sirius" he nodded stiffly to me and seemed to be about to leave for the dormitory, he looked slightly afraid, cornered even but I was determined to sort this out tonight.

"Can we..can we talk? Please?" he looked at me with an unfathomable expression and nodded again, I walked nearer to him, noting his nervousness that mirrored my own. "Listen, I know I freaked you out by what I said and all and I wish I could take it back, really I do because its just messed everything up." I thought I saw something flicker in James' eyes then but I wasn't sure and either way I was determined to get this all out, "I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore but I just figured that if there's a chance, any chance at all that we could stay friends, if we could just forget any of this happened, forget that I said anything" I implored, I looked up to see that flicker in his eye again, I know I didn't imagine it this time but I hadn't the slightest clue what it meant, which unnerved me because I can usually decipher James' expressions so easily.

He was silent for a moment leaving me to fear the worst as confusion and apprehension flitted across his face until finally I couldn't take it anymore.

"Dammit James, say something!" I cried, startling him slightly, he looked searchingly at me for another second before he spoke though,

"I'm not sure that I do want to forget" he said, I blinked, _if he_ _doesn't want to forget, then he doesn't want to move past it, he doesn't want to try and save our friendship. _My heart contracted sharply, part of me had expected this because I couldn't think of a single reason he would say yes, I had never understood why he had wanted me for his friend in the first place but I couldn't help feeling like I had just had my innards forcibly ripped out as my last bit of hope was extinguished. I started to back away slightly, refusing to meet him in the eye, perhaps I could just crawl into some dark dusty corner of the castle to pretend I never existed.

"Alright then, I..I guess I can understand that, I mean if its too difficult for you to get past, I'll just leave you alone then" my chest felt horribly constricted as I forced the words out and I was surprised they actually made it past the lump in my throat.

"Sirius, you're not listening to me," his hand wrapped around my wrist gently, pulling me back, "I don't mean that I don't want to be your friend, I mean that it's, I don't know, important to me I guess."

"What does that mean?" I exclaimed, now more confused than ever

"Just that, I don't want to go back to pretending I don't know that you love me, I just, I don't want to lose you, I want.." he drifted off, a small frown creasing his forehead.

"What James? What do you want?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper, he looked up suddenly, his eyes boring into mine.

"I'm not sure I really know what I want" he laughed softly and I almost didn't notice that he moved closer, "To be honest, I'm a little confused" he was so close now that his breath ghosted over my lips.

"James?" I squeaked, one pitch higher than what could still be considered manly, in the space it took to blink I was suddenly overwhelmed by the sensation of lips covering mine, gorgeous, heavenly lips I felt I would never be able to get enough of. Fuck but this felt _good. _I reacted instinctively as James' hands slid around my waist to pull me closer by returning the gesture and deepening the kiss, my tongue tracing the outlines of the mouth I had dreamt of for so long. I was vaguely aware that he was pushing me backwards and fleetingly wondered why until I was answered by the press of a wall against my back, he pressed up against me and all I could manage was to moan into his mouth and tangle my fingers in his hair.

However, even though the majority of my brain was merely an exultant gooey mess (reality was so _so _much better than fantasy), there was a nagging thought at the back of my mind, _why exactly was James kissing me? Is this some weird experimental thing for him, because if it is, I'm going to get hurt so much more. _

I pulled back slightly from the kiss to question James, realising that this could in fact be even better if I could give it my undivided attention, but all that managed to escape my mouth was a drawn out moan of "James.." as said Gryffindor continued his ministrations down my neck, somehow managing to find all of my sensitive spots.

_Pull yourself together Sirius, you can stop for one minute just to make everything clear, can't you?_

"James, wait.."

"Hmm?"

"Ah..fuck..will you just..will you just wait a minute?" I managed to force out, James detached himself from me slightly, blinking in surprise, his eyes practically shone with heavy-lidded lust, causing me to actually have to suppress a whimper.

"Why? Why are you doing this?"

"Well, I would have thought that much was obvious," he grinned, "because I want to, and because you're undeniably hot" he added as an afterthought, still grinning though he was looking slightly more predatory now

"Don't be a twat, you know what I mean, as far as I know you're straight and when exactly did you get over freaking out about me being in love with you, because that is definitely news to me, you've been avoiding me like the plague. I know I avoided you too, but only because I didn't think you would want me around you and then as soon as I pluck up the courage to ask if we can go back to being friends, not only are you suddenly perfectly fine with the fact that I love you, but also apparently, very willing to pounce on me and snog me senseless. Did I just figure out reverse psychology or something?" James chuckled slightly earning him a glare from me.

"Well, I guess I probably owe you an explanation then" he said as he pulled back from me, causing me to mentally berate myself for bringing this up in the first place whilst folding my arms protectively around my middle to cover my disappointment at the loss of contact and fixing him with a stern gaze. Well, about as stern as I could manage when he was looking so adorably mussed and utterly kissable.

"Damn right you do" I asserted, only managing to make him grin even more

"Well, for starters I don't think a straight guy would really be doing this so thats the first question dealt with, as to the second question, that is admittedly a little more difficult to explain. I'm sorry I freaked out on you, really I am, its just, it kind of scared me hearing you say it, probably because it was forcing me to confront my own feelings more than anything else. It all just got a little confusing, add to that the fact that I was missing you like hell and you've got one frustrated Prongs" he joked, "Anyway, the point is, I still didn't really know how I felt about you but when I had a stray thought about what it would be like to kiss you I didn't exactly get a bad sensation, it still didn't really click though, I'm brilliant at being in denial by the way, until you said what you said"

"What?" I asked a little breathlessly

"That we should just forget it ever happened, forget that I ever found out, and I just, I don't want to, you know? Its too, I don't know, kind of vital to me because I'm pretty sure I'm falling for you too" he smiled and shrugged in an oddly uncharacteristically shy way.

"Merlin, James" was about all I could manage before pulling him back to me and kissing him as if it were the only thing keeping me alive.

The next morning at breakfast, Remus and Peter were pleased and not just a little relieved to note that their friends seemed as inseparable as ever, if not more so. What they didn't see, though Remus suspected it, was the secretly entwined hands beneath the table.

**Longest oneshot so far :D yay for me**

Let me know if it was any good pretty please, reviews make me smile XD


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